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Stuck in the Middle |
The Stuck in the Middle Generation is one
of life's most stressful, most difficult and challenging seasons
of life. Our churches are filled with people experiencing this season,
between aging parents needing care and providing care for their
own children.
A Los Angeles Times
article "Stuck in the Middle" recently heralded
the fact that many baby boomers are doing double duty as caretakers
for children and parentss. The author writes, "Guilt and stress
are the hallmarks of life as a member of this generation"
Today's adult children
often find themselves wedged between the responsibilities of raising
their own children and helping ailing parents, often while working
full time. This balancing act is extraordinarily difficult.
Here are some helpful suggestions.
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Take care of yourself. Isn’t that selfish? If you don’t
take care of yourself, you have nothing to offer to others older
or younger than yourself.
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Set aside time for spiritual reflection and renewal.
Jesus said to his disciples, “Come apart and rest for
awhile.” He invited them. You know why? He knew if they
didn’t come apart and rest for a while they would come
apart in other ways. Cultivate your own relationship with the
Lord. That sounds pretty basic. But we can get caught in the
middle of this, and get so busy that we become a “Martha”.
We become so busy we forget to worship. Jesus rebuked her and
said only one thing is necessary. “Get a grip”
(LTB)
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Take time for your own marriage. I don’t believe it’s
God’s will to sacrifice our relationship with our spouse
for anyone else in this world. You may disagree with me, but
I take you to Ephesians and the tremendous importance
that the Lord places on marriage. Don’t neglect your own
family to take care of your parent(s). Aren’t they my
family? Yes, but taking care of husband or wife and children
is your first responsibility.
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Keep the lines of communication open. Talk
about it. How many times in counseling, the wife says “Talk
to me” and the husband replies, “I don’t want
to talk about it. I’m thinking.” Little by little,
if you ask the right questions; eventually communication begins.
Where there is communication, there is healing. Ministry takes
place. Keep your family and friends informed about what’s
going on. Don’t take anything for granted.
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Be informed about resources, ministries or
agencies that are available in your own community. For example,
how about “Meals on Wheels” …..or adult care
centers? I visited one just a few weeks ago and it was tremendous.
Aging parents, senior adults, cared for during the day and returning
home in the evening were all a part of this environment. Many
people don’t know this resource may be available in their
community.
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Establish a support system. Realize up front
that you are not “Wonder Woman” or “Superman”.
You can’t do it alone. You can try. But there are those
around you who can help. Maybe it’s not even family. There
are friends. How many times have you said to someone, “If
I can do anything, let me know?" The night my Mom died,
I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door and
do you know who was there? It was one of my son’s high
school buddies. One of my son’s best friends came by to
give him a hug and a card. I don’t know how much you understand
about male vs. female, or Mars vs. Venus, but guys don’t
do that kind of thing often enough. My son opened the card,
and found a handwritten note. When I read it, I wept. His buddy
said, “A few years ago, I lost my grandfather. I loved
my grandfather like you loved your grandmother. I hurt so badly
and nobody was there for me. I deter-mined back then, that when
I had a friend lose a grandparent, I was going to be there for
them.” He wrote, “Anything I can do, if you need
to go to a movie or need to go for a ride, if you need to just
sit and talk, will you call me?” I think we can learn
something here about support.
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This is a difficult time for your parent(s)
as well. Sometimes we forget that we’re not the only part
of the equation. It is a difficult time for Mom and Dad, too.
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Allow yourself time to accept. Permit yourself
to accept or even mourn the changing relationship between you
and your parents, because no one is ever fully prepared for
what is ahead.
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Plan ahead. As much as is possible, think
things through before they happen. My Mom was with us Thanksgiving.
Her health wasn’t 100% so I said, “Mom when you
go home, I want you and David (my older brother) to sit down
and talk about some things just in case the Lord decides to
take you home sooner than you are planning on.” Do you
know what? They went home and talked. How much easier it was
for my brother when Mom died, because he was able to say, “this
is what Mom wanted.” Knowing your parents goals and values,
their dreams and desires, is vital to successfully traversing
the final steps of life’s journey.
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Enlist your workplace. Many workplaces have
helpful programs already set in motion. Check with your employer
to see if your work hours can be adjusted to accommodate responsibilities
with your children or parents. Open communication with your
boss will increase the chances of providing opportunities to
meet needs for you and other employees. 22 million people are
involved in some form of caregiving.
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Accept the fact that you will have good days
and bad days. Those around you will love you and understand
if they are included in the process. Consider your parents’
feelings and their desires. They are part of this as well. Think
about your parents’ independence and dignity. You will
help them make some of the most difficult decisions they will
ever face. Allow them to do whatever they can for themselves
for as long as they can.
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Take one day at a time. “God has not
promised skies always blue and flower strewn pathways all our
lives through. God has not promised sun without rain, joy without
sorrow, peace without pain. But, God has promised strength for
the day, rest for the labor, light for the way, grace for every
trial, help from above, unfailing sympathy, undying love.”
That’s what God has promised.
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Give back to your parents now. There was
a day when all they did was give to you. It is the cycle of
life. To everything, there is a season. Give back to your parents
and take care of your children. I tease my son who wants to
become a pediatric surgeon. I tell him, “Go for it. When
you become a pediatric surgeon, Dad is going to retire and come
live with you.” While I am kidding, that may one day be
a self-fulfilling prophecy. Take Good care of your parents,
of yourself and of your children. Someday you may need to call
1-800-Help Kids, and they will be there for you.
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